Before we begin, let me say that I am a happily married man and would not trade my wife for the world, except maybe for Alyssa Milano.
Look Alyssa…. I know things got bad. You’re right. I WAS stalking you. But I’m better now baby! I even bought a 1968 Oldsmobile Delmont four door, painted it yellow, put reflectors down the sides and tires on the front and back, just like in the episode of Who’s the Boss where you get your license…remember how in the September issue of Bop that year you said you’d “totally date a guy with that car”? Well I have it now baby! Lets start our life together!
Anyway as I was riding into work the other day I heard some shitty ad for a car lot (which they change up daily and try to be funny and witty in and always fail) where they said some recent poll had said the worst come on line that ever worked was, “what’s your sign?” (then the ad went on to say something like, “We don’t use come on lines here at dealership X but we do want to know what’s your need?) Anyway it got me thinking about how much of a creepy horndog I was when I was younger and some of the retarded things I’ve said that got my ding dang damp….as the kids say. So I give you….
4 of the SHITTIEST Come on Lines That Have Worked (for me anyway)
4: You know, I really want to fuck you.
This was successfully used on one of my high school loves who I occasionally saw off and on for years before she finally went nuts and then got semi-normal and now is with some dude in Tennessee raising like 8 kids. I got this line from Harpo Marx.
Yup. No shit.
Now of course I never met him. But legend has it he once said it to a lady of high class who’s response was, “and indeed you shall.” So there I was, high school R.O.T.C. geek and Marx brothers fan, alone in the library with what at the time was the girl of my dreams, I didn’t know what to say so I blurted that out….unbeknownst to me, she too was a huge Marx brothers fan and her response was, “and indeed you shall”
3: I guess this is a bad time to ask for a first date!
This was a movie quote…I can’t remember from what but I was in elementary school so I’m sure it was some schlock from what my parents called the “New Channel”, now known as HBO….anyway I said it on a slide with the prettiest girl in school and we became boyfriend and girlfriend for the first time ever. She gave me two hotwheels cars and 50 cents for our first birthday together, and I wrote a card asking her to marry me….She is now a successful fashion designer in California and she briefly had a thing with the dude who played Urkel on Famiy Matters….and I’m not even joking. Also now she looks like this…
2: Hey, lets go in the woods and give each other AIDS!
So unlike the rest on this list this isn’t a fun or charming story. I was in Atlanta, driving a hearse, as I am apt to do….like many others with funeral cars I encountered the random horny girl who “always wanted to have sex in a hearse.” I shooed her away…then later I was feeling anxious so I used the aforementioned line…her answer was “TOTALLY!” So long story short, I “went” before we started AND she turned out to be a dude. And while for many, both of those would be disappointing….once I sobered up, the only part I was mad about was that either “she” had AIDS or that “she” was willing to get it.
1: hey imma throw bottle caps at you till you agree to watch The Haunted Mansion with me.
OK so I never actually said that….but that’s what happened. There was this girl I worked with that I liked. I asked her out and she said ok…then some of my friends I worked with said she had been talking shit…like she was only going out with me out of pity…so I walked in her office and told her something had come up so maybe another time or whatever….a while later the company held a Christmas party…I was REALLY drunk and still liked her so I started “flirting” in the most awkward sense possible…by throwing beer caps at her. A little while later I asked her for a movie night and we watched “The Haunted Mansion” at her apartment…..we dated for 7 years and on March 25th of this year we got married.
So the moral of the story is you can say clever or lude things to get laid, but only physical actions and the acting talent of Eddie Murphy will get you a wife.
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