As human beings, we all like to look toward the future. We imagine that some day we will own a sweeter car, a bigger house, or we’ll finally be able to afford that penis enlargement surgery. Overall, we tend to think of the future in a positive light…
Unless we are writing a movie about the future. Then we like to magnify whatever problems exist in the culture today to cartoonish proportions, scaring the shit out of old people and little kids with bad taste in movies.
5. “Prayer of the Rollerboys” (1990)
The late great Corey Haim stars in this “action-packed futuristic thriller” alongside Patricia Arquette, who is probably more gorgeous in this film than any of her other works. If you like bad dialogue, awesome hair, and rollerblade chase scenes, you will love “Prayer of the Rollerboys”.
In this future, yuppies wear white trenchcoats and skate around on rollerblades, terrorizing civilians that use more conventional means of transportation. But at least most of them are conscientious enough to wear knee pads.
4. “Predator 2″ (1990)
In 1997, Los Angeles is a f*cking wasteland! The Predator isn’t even the most dangerous thing in the movie… Danny Glover is. That’s right, in the first Predator film it took a ripped, battle-hardened, 260 pound mercenary that kills people for a living to compete with an alien whose entire culture is based on collecting skulls as trophies. But 1997 L.A. is so shitty, that all it takes is an aging black cop with a fear of heights. That gives you an idea of how bad ass you have to be just to survive!
In this future, the streets are being ravaged by an ongoing war between tweeking Colombians and stoner Jamaicans, Gary Busey is in the FBI, and Morton Downey Jr. is still on TV.
3. “Strange Days” (1995)
“Have you ever jacked in?”… These are the first words spoken in the trailer for “Strange Days”, a film that fearlessly exploited our fears of the Y2K apocalypse. Set in 1999, the writers of this film expected a lot of negative progress to happen in four years. But I have to admit, I loved this movie when it came out. The soundtrack is packed with grimy industrial music and Juliette Lewis plays her role as the “raging whore ex-girlfriend” to perfection.
In this future, people are addicted to “jacking in” and reliving the past memories of others, America’s last hope is an angry beat poet that spits rhymes over shitty music, and Juliette Lewis’ music career is actually going somewhere.
2. “1990: The Bronx Warriors” (1982)
It’s the year nineteen hundred and ninety and everyone is pissed off! This “Escape from New York” / “The Warriors” clone is actually superior to both films in a lot of ways. Why it’s not more popular I will never know… Oh wait… It’s because they put the year in the title. It kind of kills a movie’s premise when the future is 20 f*cking years ago. It’s a shame though, the movie is almost as epic as its poster art…
In this future, knife boots are all the rage, Fred Williamson is a kung-fu pimp, and we finally find out which is more bad ass, motorcycles or hot rods.
1. “Class of 1999″ (1990)
I was an asshole in high school, so I can really sympathize with the “Class of 1999″ being taught and disciplined by military-grade cyborgs. But then again, there was a pretty reckless use of spandex in this film, so maybe they all deserved to die. Like every other apocalyptic age 90′s film, law-enforcement has been overwhelmed by gang violence and drugs that don’t exist yet. Is this starting to sound redundant? Yeah, that’s why this is only a “top 5″ list.
In this future, Stacy Keach has lost his eyesight along with his acting ability, Malcom Mcdowell is apparently hard up for cash, and Pam Grier has metal boobs.
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