Hot tubs can be relaxing. Hot tubs can allow you to fart underwater without anyone knowing. But most importantly, hot tubs can provide some great sensual atmosphere if that’s what you’re into. And it is that kind of atmosphere that inspired me to write this post, because in 1982 a movie that I consider to be a benchmark of bad 80′s slashers, Madman, gave birth to the greatest hot tub scene in cinematic history. Could I possibly be overstating that? No. Trust me on this. And if you’ve been lucky enough to have seen the aforementioned hot tub scene, then you know that if anything, I’m understating it. So without further adieu, I want you to feast your eyes on Gaylen Ross (of Dawn Of The Dead fame) and Tony Fish (what a name!) as they provide us with something so sexually powerful and awkward, that you may have to take a minute to yourself after watching it:
I don’t think I’ve ever felt the need to shower after watching a hot tub clip before (shudders). But anyway, now that we’ve all seen the clip, let’s break down the top 5 things that we learned from it, shall we?
#5 Ass shots while climbing down a hot tub ladder are unnecessary.
You can thank me later for not putting up a pic Tony Fish’s ass, but instead you get a pic of a wet Tony Fish and his creepy ass grin, so it’s a not exactly like you’ve won a prize. Not sure what director Joe Giannone was thinking about when he decided to shoot that ass and then insert into the final footage. At least we do get some kind of balance with a little Gaylen Ross sideboob action. Still stand by my stance that there’s too much camera time given to the ass though.
#4 Spinning individually while spinning in a circle together must be nauseating.
I figured we were all pretty sick of seeing this vomit inducing water couple, so I stuck with the hot tub theme and inserted a coke-nosed Craig Robinson from Hot Tub Time Machine instead. Ok, so apparently it was encouraged for Gaylen and Tony to be as sexually playful as possible in this scene. They tease each other by rotating around the hot tub with stupid smiles on their faces and then decide to individually spin as well to give that added flirty effect. Well played, because they both got so hot for each other that they had an intense make-out session before dunking their heads under the balmy water for the big climax.
#3 Madman Marz needs to get laid.
C’mon Madman Marz. I know you have your own fancy theme song and everything, so are you really that hard up for some action that you were inclined to be a peeping tom in this scene? Surely you could have found an old Penthouse magazine laying around your dirty shack or something. Instead, you chose to be a perv and watch this disgusting spectacle, and for that, I really did lose some respect for you. Luckily you redeemed yourself with some awesomely cheesy music stings during your kills in the movie.
#2 Possibly has the greatest song ever used in a movie scene.
A song has the potential to always captivate you and transport you into the moment that is happening on-screen. One might cite The Doors “The End” in Apocalypse Now as a prime example, while another might nominate The Champs’ “Tequila” in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. Both equally monumental. But neither of those songs compares to what our ears are treated to in this hot tub scene from Madman. Talk about setting the mood. As the song titled “I Don’t Need Words” begins to play, we’re hypnotized by the voice of a male angel. And are you ready to have your mind blown? That voice belongs to none other than our bare-assed hot tub ladies man, Tony Fish! Is there anything that this man cannot do?
#1 Belly buttons aren’t sexy unless they’re on a hot girl.
This is the moment that you knew was coming, but you really just didn’t want it to. Yes. The belly button shot. Before we had to submit our eyes to the ass of Tony Fish, we had to get a creepy close-up view of his belly button, and multiple times at that! And to make matters worse, it’s an outie. Far worse than anything horrifying that Madman Marz would unleash on his mindless victims, this outie belly button will stick in your memory and haunt your dreams for days to come. Once you see it, it can’t be unseen. And I definitely did you no favors by including a pic of it up there. So to make a wrong a right, I’m going to leave you with something more pleasant: a sexy hot tub action pic of the lovely Pamela Susan Shoop from 1981′s Halloween II:
Oops. That’s not sexy at all, unless you’re into that kind of thing. My apologies. Here you go:
Yeeeeeaaah! Now we’re talking. That’ll make you forget about that disgusting belly button. And don’t be discouraged, because if you scratch the little black bars hard enough, they’ll disappear.
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