This is a numeric list but it is by no means in order of favorite or best. This list isn’t an all encompassing list either…! This list is my way of shoehorning in some content just to show you the album cover at number 10.) Well, not really BUT it is just that good that I HAD to find a way to share this particular album cover…And this was the best way whilst also giving props to nine other bad ass album arts, plus maybe even a bonus one or two…! Some are cool because they are evil as hell…some are cool because they are simply a striking image…Some are cool because they are just plain ass ridiculous. And don’t think that just because it says that this is Part 1 that more parts are necessarily forthcoming. It just indicates that this is the first time that this has occurred…ever….no one writes LISTS on the INTERNET! Although, who knows what the future will hold…!
1.) Big Bear – Doin’ Thangs
It’s all in the detail on this one folks. You can tell, those bears got it goin’ on. The performer’s name be drippin’ with honey. The Left Bar gots his glass of Cristal. Right Bear’s smokin’n a fattie boom battie. They all have smoking jackets/leisure suites on. Gratuitous lens flare…What more could you ask for?!? I have no idea whether or not this is an actual good album BUT the cover does a good job selling a package (that I don’t really intend on buying, but nice try all the same!)
2.) Axiom Funk – Funkronomicon
Oh Shit, she done summoned up Funkthullu and his Ancient One brethren…! Cheesy as hell in the classic 1980 something thrash metal album style. I especially like the Funkronomicon letters, which appear to be made out of, well, an oozing, gooey, fleshy chunky material. This was pretty much just a P-Funk album, which would explain how thematically awesome it is. This is actually a pretty damn good album. Smooth as hell.
3.) Vio-Lence – Eternal Nightmare
Is this an exert from the movie Teeth? The Penultimate case of Vagina Dentata? Nope… it’s just the album cover of a little thrash outfit that Rob Flynn was in before Machine Head. And a damn fine album cover. ESPECIALLY if you have a fear of uvulas…! Oh, or the whole recursive giant mouths filled with razor sharp teeth and/or falling into said recursive giant mouths filled with ra…..GAH…!
4.) Dark Funeral – Diabolis Interium
This one’s just evil. Take the movie Hellraiser…right…then add SATAN. I am reminded of a Lovecraft quote from his short story The Festival for some reason. ” For it is of old rumor that the soul of the devil-bought hastes not from his charnal clay, but fats and instructs the very worm that gnaws; till out of corruption horrid life springs, and the dull scavengers of earth wax crafty to vex it and swell monsterous to plague it. Great holes secretly are digged where the earth’s pores ought to suffice, and things have learnt to walk that ought to crawl. ..” I don’t know why. MAYBE IT’S THE GODDAMNED WORM GNAWING IT’S WAY OUT OF SATAN’S INNARDS…!
5.) Cannibal Corpse – Vile
No AWESOME ALBUM COVER post is complete with out including Cannibal Corpse. In fact, realistically, the list could probably consist solely of their album covers…(POST IDEA!) but this one has a special place in my own heart…It’s one of the grossest album covers I’ve ever seen. First time I saw this, I kind of almost threw up real throw up! A burst living corpse with maggots spilling out of it’s body chasm, stumps mummified in barbed wire, clamp on spreaders holding open his eyes and mouth (and what the hell could they be forcing someone this tortured to watch that could make their condition worse…!), and wost of all…a cock that’s off…! Ugh. Welp, hope you enjoyed this, the FIRST cock in this countdown…!
6.) Bishop Lamont – Popemobile
Kiss the rang bi-otch…! Got some Body of Christ Purple Drank up in hea….! Yo, Lil Alta Boy, flip dat switch dog, lets get this Popemobile-a-droppin’. Or whatever. I dunno. Maybe that’s the kind of shit he says…but seriously, isn’t this cover crazy ass?!?
7.) Merciful Fate – Don’t Break the Oath.
Classic cover covering classic metal. I think this is what all of the Puritanical fiction (or American Gothic Fiction, as WIKIPEDIA and presumably scholars call it) from the 1800 envisioned the consequences of bad and hard living action. This is the face of that built in guilt…the fires of Hell and COOL ASS POINTING DEMONS AWAIT….! Sign me up for some Adultery and/or Witch Hunts…!
8.) Deicide – Once Upon The Cross
Striking imagery I said. I’ve always loved simple, stark images with high contrast but clearly portrayed contents…the delicate insouciance brings me great respite….what am I saying…IT’S METAL AS HELL…! An album cover from a band who’s lead singer allegedly said (and I can’t find any good source, ergo, allegedly!) of a fan that was injured at one of their shows, “Looks like someone tripped on Satan’s dick and broke their neck…!”
9.) Rumpelstiltskin Grinder – Living For Death, Destroying The Rest
This album cover was so damn cool that I had to immediately purchase the shirt version of it with which to swaddle my hot body in. I mean, there’s so much going on…A giant ass cyclops Sloth (from Goonies!) is busting up through the street, presumably from his sewer lair, where he keeps his GIANT PILE OF BONES, Rumpelstiltskin on his shoulder, directing the cyclops’ attack plan, Bayou Billy about to chunk a spear, HOPEFULLY (for his sake (NAY, for the City’s sake)) into the eye of the cyclops thereby severing his sole visual tie to the world, a fish-man wielding a trident, who, I like to think, has hatched a plan to betray Bayou Billy by impaling him in his back, an attack helicopter peppering the cyclops’ back with dual Vulcan Cannons, and a Blood Sky Skull!
Bonus Fictitious Comedy Number.) Taquil – The Ballocaust
From the super awesome [Adult Swim] show Frisky Dingo (from one of the same dudes who presently does Archer)…I don’t even need to put any words about this one. There’s just…so much here….
10.) Goblin Cock – Bagged and Boarded
Well, this is it, the proverbial reason for the season, and by season I mean the inspiration for this article. The Dénouement…and the aforementioned second Cock of this article. Goblin Cock. I know I said this wasn’t a Top X list of this BUT, this is the BEST Album Cover Ever…! Pun Name band. Three legged tripod of a magnificent Goblin King. The music on this CD is mostly boring BUT not terrible…BUT..again, the packaging sold the hell out of this album, and all of their future albums forever, to me.
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