It’s true! America’s beloved chain smoking, beer swilling, drive-in freak has just turned 45. Dirty Uncle Jimbo never expected to live this long. With all the car crashing and rebel rousing, who would have guessed I’m middle aged and feeling just fine! Well, here are a few nuggets that I have learned in my 45 years on planet earth. Maybe you kids out there can take a few tips and reach this ripe old age too.
1. I haven’t learned much and I don’t know a whole lot. That’s why you should ask a lot of questions but don’t ask questions around bookies and drug dealers.
2. If your parents insist on buying your clothes, do your best to stay out of family photos.
3. A broken Big Wheel may suck but a 70 mph green pinecone to the face of a snotty kid on a Green Machine is an equalizer.
4. Some of the best porn can be found in trashcans. Since Hustler came out, Playboy is the lamest porn magazine ever. If someone says they buy it for the articles, they probably do. It’s what closet gay men put on their coffee tables to make their family think they’re straight.
5. If you, your buddy and a couple of strippers decide to climb the roof of a Mosque in a lower income African American section of Atlanta and egg cars in the middle of the night, it’s best to plan an escape route ahead of time.
6. Girls with names beginning with the letter V will always get you in trouble.
7. If you go to a bar when they open, leave when they close, tip big and don’t make trouble, you will become their new best friend. Speaking of trouble in bars, if you want to go fisticuffs quick with a drunken jock, call them sparkles, sunshine or princess.
8. Bottle rockets will shoot underwater. It’s really cool.
9. Moms don’t like tree frogs. Never have. Never will. If you own something that will be valuable in the future, your Mom will throw it away so hide in the walls.
10. Squirrels and alligators are terrible pets. Girls with cats are good in bed but crazier that a shithouse rat. If you own a poisonous snake, it will escape.
11. Never send any food back to a restaurant kitchen for any reason ever. Working in a restaurant kitchen is almost as bad as being an agricultural laborer in a prison camp.
12. Never fall in love with a car.
13. High School principals have seen it a million times, mister.
14. Horseplay around a swimming pool is a great time regardless of what some may tell you. It really doesn’t get any better, honest. Hell, throw the grill in. You won’t regret it. Sometimes it’s best to be “that guy” so everyone can cherish the day forever.
15. Always be nice to cops so you can get bailed out quicker.
16. Don’t bet on Russian boxers. They’re always on the take.
17. Cocaine is less expensive than a DUI and will get you home cheaper than a cab.
18. Topless women add the best production value to any film.
19. Always use disconnected phone numbers for references when filling out a job application but no fake social security numbers.
20. DJ stands for douche jockey and they like it when you throw beer cans at them.
21. A waiter will always bring your food when you light a cigarette. It’s a law or something.
23. It ain’t you, it wasn’t the last guy and it ain’t the next guy. Some women will never be happy.
24. Distribution labels, Producer’s Reps and Sales Agents do not understand horror or exploitation films.
25. If you have good Atlanta Braves tickets, they skip your favorite in the pitching rotation and loose 7-0.
26. There are more rednecks in West Virginia than the entire Southeastern United States.
27. Bigfoot stories still scare the shit out of annoying 6 year olds.
28. Flossing is easier and cheaper than root canals.
29. If something is described with the words alternative, punk, unique, postmodern, folk, dissident, X-treme, hip, quirky, edgy, fresh or eclectic, these words can be replaced with the word suck.
30. An art degree has no value in the workplace. It’s like having a degree in keg stands, finger banging’ or baseball card collecting. It was fun and a waste of money. Plus you had to spend double the hours per class time, sucker. Now you have to work hard to get laid.
31. If you keep tipping a stripper and only look deep into her eyes you will either be thrown out or have a new psychotic girlfriend.
32. Dollar sushi has worse odds than dollar slots, but country fried Steak and gravy is a safe bet in a dive with a poor health code rating. Always tip your bartender big unless their name is Adrian.
33. People who say, “Think outside the box” are stuck in a bigger box within the box they speak of, but you’re likely to bang that box with a few cocktails.
34. A woman who doesn’t complain is more valuable than Apple or Microsoft stock. A woman who can drink beer, watch porn, play pinball and shoot pool deserves a ring.
35. A lot of homeless people need change for the bus.
36. Be a fan not a fanatic. All bands end up sucking so like your current lover don’t get them tattooed on you. They will find Jesus, get sober, change lead singers or something else equally stupid.
37. If someone starts talking about religion, cut all ties and hide your wallet.
38. The very best in music, film and art you haven’t found yet.
39. Nothing good happens after 2 am unless it involves sex.
40. There are 165 12oz beers in a keg.
41. If you’re vocal about your political party, you won’t be invited to the good parties.
42. Hollywood makes shitty movies. Get over it.
43. Never sign a distribution deal with TROMA.
44. Working with your friends is much better than working for some asshole but at times you have to be an asshole because they are your friends.
45. Everything is funnier with beer. At around 1am lousy jokes are pronounced brilliant and laughter really is the answer to 99.9% of everything.