I have been watching horror films longer than I have been wiping my own ass. I became more obsessed than Annie Wilkes. I would catch random classics on television such as “Frankenstein” and “Godzilla” at a young age and would have my eyes glued to the screen. When I was seven or so I caught “Friday the 13th V: A New Beginning” on cable. Once I saw that fat handicapped kid get an axe to the back just because he wanted to share his candy bar it caused two epiphany’s for me. One, I should probably cut back on the candy bars, and two, I loved gore. Since that day it has been a daily mission to find the most perverse, twisted, shocking, and upsetting films. The reason I mention this is because, with that being said I have found it of utter importance to revisit your beginnings. It is going to be different for everyone, but for me when I need a good recharging I pour myself a bowl of monster cereal and cue up one of these five bad boys.
5. Groovie Goolies- So these rocking monsters were a little before my time but luckily for me the eighties syndicated the hell out of cartoons. When I first laid eyes on this band of misfits who just hung out in a castle, sang songs, and told jokes I knew I would gladly trade in my spandex and “Bon Jovi” shirt for a spot in the band.
4. Are You Afraid Of The Dark?- A kid friendly “Tales from the Crypt” that played on Nickelodeon for seven years or so. I lived by this show. A bunch of kids sit around a fire and tell a bunch of stories trying to freak the shit out of each other. This is what my friends and I did only we had more dick and fart jokes. The theme song is constantly stuck in my head and takes me back to a time when I would ride my BMX home from school just in time to catch this. I still watch this and it holds up for me. I sit down with my “Boo Berry” fruit snacks and pop it in the DVD player and pure bliss ensues.
3. Bunnicula- A rabbit with fangs that sucks the juice out of carrots. Fucking genius. “Bunnicula was my bible, only I didn’t have to argue its inconsistencies with my Sunday school teacher. I had this shit in my back pocket everywhere I went. Greasers did it with “The Outsiders.” Beats did it with “On the Road.” I was a pre-pubesent horror nerd goddammit! I had “Bunnicula” The series continued with sequels such as “The Celery Stalks at Midnight” and “Bunnicula Meets Edgar Allan Crow” to name a few. It even was turned into an ABC Weekend Special that wasn’t perfect but was still cool to see on screen. I have spent hours dreaming about a big budget film, but as of yet has showed no signs of fruition. I would kill so many orphans for that to happen.
2. Eerie Indiana- “Twin Peaks” meets “X-Files” but made for kids. It is two boys that realize their town is weird as shit so they investigate it. Elvis is there along with an ATM that will own your soul. Creatures and secret society’s are ever present, but no one notices. J0e Dante was involved and it is awesome. I revisit Eerie pretty frequently and it always delivers. It was given a spin off years later that made it about as long(not very) as the original.
1. Ernest Scared Stupid- Ernest to me is a true hero of comedy. From the time he went to camp I always wanted to follow him on his adventures. I saw him save Christmas, go to jail, and even join the army. The thing I always enjoyed the most was watching this mother fucker get scared and “Ernest Scared Stupid” delivered. It is a hybrid of an Ernest movie and a horror film. The trolls in this are scary as shit thanks to the Chiodo Brothers, and Ernest is hilarious as usual. I have watched this upwards of two hundred times and it never gets old. Jim Varney was a master of his craft and this is his shining achievement.
Well there you have it. Five things that helped shape my horror love. If I was the pot on the wheel, these were Swayze’s hands caressing me gently into horror orgasm.
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