You’re chilling, watching your favorite episode of “Bonanza”. The episode where Hoss punches Michael Landon. Again. And suddenly on walks a greasy punk rocker. He flips off Michael Landon, stabs Hoss in the kidney with a spoon, and takes a shit in a cowboy hat.
That never happened. But it fucking could have.
Exhibit A: Johnny Depp goes Punk on 21 Jump Street
I’m 8-9 years old watching this shit on my mom’s big boxy ass TV with the tiny screen… Do you remember those things?
My favorite cop show comes on… 21 JUMP STREET! YEAAAAH!
Cody Culp from “Class of 1999″ shows up in a leather jacket and he’s all bad ass, swaying his hips around, and being sassy. He spraypaints an anarchy symbol on a police car and Johnny Depp dresses up like Sid Vicious to go watch a punk band called “KKK”. I’m pretty sure the lead singer is Rod Stewart. Or Rod Stewart’s cousin, Bob Stewart.
Look! A pertinent clip from Youtube! (Depp starts slam dancing at around the 3:50 mark)
Exhibit B: Spock hates Punk Rock
How does a fucking Star Trek movie about whales become a good film? A 20 second Punk Rocker sequence!
The Shatman and Nimoy are chilling on a bus, trying to lay low because they are in the past because that’s the kind of shit that happens when you hang out in space all the time. This movie is actually pretty damn awesome. Spock learns to curse, Chekov scares the shit out of people because he is Russian… And asking everyone where to find “the Nuclear Wessels”.
The fuck am I talking about!? Russia!?
Anyway! Spock and Shatner are on a bus and this punk rocker just keeps rudely playing his music on a boombox. In case you are under 25, a boombox is a large machine like an iPod, only it is 40 pounds and played tapes. So Spock pulls an Epic Beard Man on his ass and lays him out with the Vulcan neck pinch.
Holy shit! Get this man an “I AM A MOTHERFUCKER” shirt! And call that punk an amberlamps!
Okay, I’m done.
Exhibit C: Terminator doesn’t appreciate punk culture
Ever leave your house, naked, and take a stroll down to the park so everyone can see how muscular you are? Me either, because I’m built like a bowl of ice cream. Regardless, Arnold did it. Then he tried to steal clothes from Bill Paxton. He probably would have asked for his hair dye too, but before he could mutter “Gimme yo shit!”, Bill tells him to fuck himself. He won’t be pushed around by a naked politician! He’s a punk rocker!
So, to make peace, these fine young gentlemen show Arnie their switchblade collection. Instead of admiring the craftsmanship, Mr. Roid Rage just up and starts punching through torsos.
WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!!
Latest posts by Sylvester Stallone (see all)
- Podcast: Drunk on VHS – “Sid Kali” - April 10, 2013
- REVIEW: “Easter Casket” Delivers Catholic Sex and Giant Rabbits - March 29, 2013
- EXCLUSIVE: Epic New ‘Easter Casket’ Poster is Epic - March 19, 2013