Remakes: It Is Not Illogical To Hate Them, So STFU!

by on October 16, 2012  •  In Articles

With an eloquent title like this post, you know that I’m about to make some calm and valid points to support my position. In this heated, whiny debate, one side fucking hates remakes, while the other side thinks remake haters are, well… Haters. And after reading quite a few articles from the other side of the isle, stressing that remakes are *not* that bad, I wanted to remind the world that even though *YOU* may be okay with having your favorite movies remade, there are legitimate reasons for many of us to inherently dislike the idea of our favorite franchise getting a makeover.

“Good” Remakes Are Very Rare.

“The Thing” was a remake! I know! People love to wave that in your face when making a point on the subject. But what is “The Thing” a remake of, I ask you!?

A really old fucking movie, that’s what. Remaking 1951′s “The Thing From Another World” into John Carpenter’s “The Thing” doesn’t belong in the same conversation with a “Fright Night” remake or “Nightmare On Elm Street”. It’s like bringing up Scorsese’s version of “Cape Fear”. “The Thing” and its ilk were not produced to “cash in on a fan base”. The original versions of these films were *SO* tied down by what they could and could not put in a film in their day because of censors and the like. There was *actually* something that could use some updating from the source material. Conversely, our current censors are actually more difficult to get through than they were 15-30 years ago.

Let’s talk the past decade, though, as it’s a much more relevant place to reference from. Name five really fucking awesome remakes from the past decade. Now think about how many fucking remakes they’ve actually *produced* in the past decade.

Just because one or two poisonous snakes didn’t bite me, doesn’t give me the urge to get close to every god damn one I see within range. *OR* give it “the benefit of the doubt” for no fucking god damn reason at all, other than the fact that it promised me it wouldn’t bite.

Remakes Are Ridiculously Fucking Corporate

In an age when everyone is seemingly against the conglomerate machine, wants to occupy Wall Street, and give corporate interests a hard time for not caring about people, we sure do defend the fuck out of them when they want to remake a movie.

Movie fans are business savvy now, and KNOW that the reason Hollywood wants to remake classic films is solely because they can cash in on the existing fan base. We know this and we *fucking defend them for making these decisions*. This is one of the things that I find most perplexing. Since when do these billion dollar entities need my poor ass defending decisions they make only so their wallets will get fatter.

Thanks, guys!

They’re not making the remake to entertain you. They are making it to take your money. They will have a huge opening weekend that pays for most of the movie and they will get the rest through International Sales. No matter how bad it sucks. Because that first weekend, shitloads of people are going to spend money on it, because it’s been all over tv and all the blogs are jerking off to it.

The Original Filmmaker That Gave His Seal Of Approval… He Got Paid

Lloyd Kaufman said it best when a room full of convention-goers moaned when he said the Toxic Avenger remake will be great! And PG-13:

“Fuck you because they’re paying us a lot of money.”

If someone hands you a million dollar check, says they are going to remake your film and want you to be on board, what exactly do you say? “Sorry, powerful Hollywood Executive. My artistic integrity makes not only this giant fucking check, but also your good favor with me fucking worthless. Fuck your million dollars, I will only give my stamp of approval if the movie is actually good.”

No, you wouldn’t say that. Not in real life. And none of the Hollywood directors you know would say that. You would take your giant fucking check and do what you were told. Which really isn’t much. Tell your fans that something will be good. You swear it.

It Murders Franchises

“David, you’re a fucking idiot. Remakes *revitalize* franchises, not murder them.”

Short term, remakes do revitalize the franchise. For about a fucking week. But in the long-term, we will NEVER see a continuation of Englund’s Freddy Krueger, or a Star Trek series that recognizes the original cannon.

Do you really want to try to sell that there was *zero* interest in either of these happening? Very few horror enthusiasts would complain that Englund was revisiting the Krueger character, and there are more than enough Trekkies to spike ratings for a new Star Trek series. Especially on a cable channel like SyFy. Holy shit, could you imagine how big that would be for them?

But that won’t happen. Because they have been “rebooted”. And if they flop (looking at you, NOES remake), then your precious “revitalized franchise” is fucking dead. Robert Englund is still alive, but his fucking character is dead. That alone is a logical reason to despise remakes as a whole.

“Hey, fuck you guys!”

Meanwhile, you can’t even talk about your favorite movies without hassle. You have to specify original or remake, which you would think isn’t a big deal, but sometimes you get 10 minutes into a movie conversation before you realize that you’re both talking about different films. That each have the same title, both in color, both have plenty of gore… But one is a unique and original classic, while the other is a watered down re-imagining (staring directly at you, “Fright Night”).

Remakes are Fucking Lazy and It Is Insulting

I saved this one for last, because you already know this. It’s unquestionably fucking lazy. And some of us make excuses for that laziness, often defending these giant corporate assholes for feeding us re-heated horror movies.

“You’re welcome.”

I’m not saying every remake is bad, or that there is anything wrong with people that *love* bloated Hollywood remakes. I don’t give a shit. But please, don’t talk to me like a god damn baby just because I logically don’t like the premise of remaking films that, in my opinion, really don’t need it.


Sylvester Stallone

I'm Sylvester Stallone. I was in the hit film "Tango & Cash" opposite Robert Z'Dar.

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