Hulk Hogan vs. Andre The Giant. The Titanic vs. That Iceberg. The Whopper vs. The Big Mac. There have been many monumental showdowns throughout history, but possibly none more monumental than the one between Vestron Video and New World Pictures. I really built that up for something that you may not even give a shit about. Anyway – one my my fondest memories ever during my youth was renting a VHS movie and actually having the distributor title alone pique my interest as it popped up before the movie. It even proved to be the case for the coming attractions too, and on more than one occasion, I actually knew if I was going to fast forward through them or not based on what logo would present itself. Besides the legendary Cannon Group, the two other distribution logos that got me excited (apparently it didn’t take much to do this) were indeed, Vestron Video and New World Pictures.
The point of this post: Which side of the fence do you stand on? Are you a Vestron Video kind of guy or girl, or do you ride with New World Pictures all day and every day? Proof is in the product of course since the logos pretty much cancel each other out, so let’s throw Vestron Video under the movie microscope first.
Six words for you: Deathstalker And The Warriors From Hell. Wow – that’s the best they’ve got? Oh – sorry….I was reading my list in reverse. How about An American Werewolf In London? Now we’re cooking! I remember this movie as being one of the first that I saw don the Vestron logo when I popped the VHS tape in my VCR. Not impressed? Here’s a ‘in no particular order’ list of other mentionables to help impress you: The Monster Squad, Dolls, Rawhead Rex, Slaughter High, Blood Diner, Dolls, From Beyond, Ghoulies, Parents, Hollywood Hot Tubs, and Dirty Dancing. Wait – one of these things is not like the other. Dirty Dancing? Well, it is probably Vestron Video’s most successful title, so we’ll keep it in the list and Patrick Swayze sure was dreamy and that girl was too, even before the nose job.
Alright. Not bad Vestron Video. Now let’s see if New World Pictures wants to whip theirs out on the table and see if they can measure up. The movie that I watched over and over that always pops into my mind when I think of the New World Pictures logo is Hellraiser. Yes, before you were rewarded with that homeless guy eating a bunch of crickets in the pet store, you got to see that snazzy red logo pop up on the screen to let you know you were watching quality cinema from New World Pictures. But if you thought Hellraiser was the best they had, think again. Time to roll out their ‘in no particular order’ list: Death Race 2000, Eaten Alive!, Piranha, The Brood, Humanoids From The Deep, Rock ‘N’ Roll High School, The Slumber Party Massacre, Fraternity Vacation, Reform School Girls, Soul Man, and House. Well, with a racist but light hearted movie like Soul Man in their roster, how is Vestron Video going to be able to deliver that knock-out punch to New World Pictures???
Simple…they won’t be able to. And do you know why? Because New World Pictures is home to The Stuff! And nobody can fuck with The Stuff! Because The Stuff is indestructible and it will eat you from the inside out. And Vestron Video has nothing to combat that with. Nope – not even Earth Girls Are Easy can take out something as delicious and destructive as The Stuff! And so ends our battle for the ages between Vestron Video and New World Pictures. You put up a valiant effort Vestron, but in the end, you had nothing to destroy a light, fluffy, tasty, man-eating dessert with. Isn’t that right, lady with The Stuff all over her face?
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