Zombies: I Call Bullsh*t

by on October 11, 2012  •  In Articles

I know this is going to get some people’s panties in a bunch, and I seriously don’t mean to, but I can’t really sit on it any longer. All this talk of “The Walking Dead” and all that jazz… The whole “zombie apocalypse” is so big right now (okay, has been for about a decade at this point), but the more I logically think about it: I would be more worried about dying of old age during a zombie outbreak.

First off, let’s be realistic: Zombies couldn’t run. Even the freshly dead would experience extreme stiffness in a matter of hours, a precursor to rapid muscle deterioration. This is assuming that their motor functions operate optimally in the first place, allowing them the ability to maintain the kind of rhythm necessary to establish that pace without face-planting after two yards.

As for all the less recently deceased… If they *ever* were able to escape from their coffin casing and the 4-6 feet (depending on when and where they were buried) of tightly packed dirt between them and the surface, it would take months. So there you go, 75%-90% of the zombie population would likely be trapped forever to begin with.

Zombies have mastered the ‘One Inch Punch’.

But let’s assume that they all come out of their graves. They are still more weak and deteriorated than your oldest living relative. A zombie outbreak is basically a gory retirement home riot. If you get trapped in a corner, push your way through. Even in a crowd, all you need to do is generate the slightest bit of momentum to one side or the other and they drop like dominoes. Because they are weak.

You could also just power walk ahead of them. Problem fucking solved. Zombies are slow and useless.

And how likely is it that these hoards of zombies have teeth strong enough to tear through a wet paper towel? Much less flesh… Every god damn zombie movie I’ve ever seen assume the walking dead have immaculate dental hygiene. But the reality is, much of this mob would be gumming you.

They may even wave a Wii remote in your face. Who knows?

For those who still have a nice set of choppers, save ammo! Knock their teeth out with the butt of your gun. Zombies are stupid and never defend themselves. They leave their faces wide open with no reflexes to save them.

The only issue in a zombie outbreak is the psychological one. They look creepy. Sometimes. But the human mind is incredibly adaptive. After the first two or three zombies you killed, it wouldn’t be nearly as horrifying. And if you really just wanted to harp on the aesthetics for the rest of your life, you deserve to die in a stupid fucking way anyhow.

The concept is scary in theory, and I don’t want to discourage anyone from writing that great next zombie story, but for me, I can’t see the threat. I just don’t think you have to be a survivalist to survive a zombie outbreak. You might even have to be an idiot to get killed in one.

Immaculate fucking teeth and cataracts.


Sylvester Stallone

I'm Sylvester Stallone. I was in the hit film "Tango & Cash" opposite Robert Z'Dar.

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  • joeybot

    In most zombie apocalypses, it’s not the ones coming from the ground.  It’s the people who are bit.  There were no Romero zombies from the graves.  They were people who got turned.